“Fracking for the cure”? Susan G. Komen gets it all wrong, again
Here’s a question: Is the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation insane? More tone deaf than the NFL, the GOP and Fox News, combined? Just doesn’t give a damn anymore? It would appear so. How else to...
View ArticleThe Dick Cheney School for Heartless Bastards
Thank you, Mr. Cheney. For your refreshing honesty, for your brutally – some might say nauseatingly – forthright character, for not disappointing a single harried soul on God’s ravaged Earth by...
View ArticleFifty Shades of Grey has a wine. You can die now.
Product name: 50 Shades of Grey “White Silk,” a blend of Gewürztraminer, Sauvignon Blanc and the screams of strangled penguins. Found at: BevMo Van Ness, San Francisco OMG WTF quotient: 87 Price: Six...
View ArticleSeven truly awful things about the current Republican leadership
It’s not just that they shoved the Keystone XL bill through as fast as possible. It’s not that they voted, once again, to strip millions of Americans of their health care, knowing it wouldn’t pass...
View ArticleTop 25 least romantic Valentine’s gifts
Republican National Convention Bath salts, orangutan-scented Condom, slightly used, near storm drain, Hyde St. at Ellis, Tenderloin Fifty Shades of Grey Collector’s Edition hand-knit enema bag cozy,...
View ArticleThe mind-boggling grotesquery of the U.S. military
This is the chart. This is the chart that blows away all other charts, that makes babies melt and flowers scream, that equally intoxicates and befuddles all viewpoints along the political spectrum;...
View ArticleBig Mac with kale in a doomsday reduction
Did you hear? Taco Bell is going to start selling burritos wrapped in shells made entirely of purified air! Amazing. Also, Pizza Hut is reportedly testing a more “relaxing” pie made with something...
View ArticleDoom to your door! Taco Bell delivers
If you are reading these words, you are not, it is safe to say, Taco Bell’s target demographic. By which I mean: You do not much care for, you know, words. Reading. Any sort of informed enquiry,...
View ArticleWho will be first to hack ‘Hello Barbie’?
Do you know what your child almost certainly does not need? The very thing that will make her question her barely extant hold on reality and induce a deep existential panic before she’s even able to...
View ArticleWhat your “personal bacterial cloud” says about you
Are you grateful your eyesight isn’t better? Are you delighted you can’t more easily see the millions of hungry microscopic beasts that are right now feasting on all the oils, bits of hair, awesome...
View ArticleCongratulations! You just won the Powerball jackpot! Here’s 25 things to buy
After a rather massive tax bite, that record $1.5 billion Powerball prize will net you about $500 million, give or take (and mostly take). What could you possibly spend it on? How about:
View ArticleWhy does Starbucks hate you?
Amazingly, the headline that made me cringe the most this week had nothing to do with Donald Trump, or the election cycle, or “8 Things We Really Hope Go Down in Princess Diaries 3” – though that one...
View ArticleAmazon hits Peak Sloth, reveals Dash buttons for Doritos, Red Bull, Slim Jims
Good news, bro! Amazon has your (flabby, malnourished, pre-cancerous) back! Get this: Bezos & Co. just announced a whole slew of new, entirely silly Dash buttons for the lazy and the perplexed. You...
View ArticleTime to live outside the box, SF bros
Maybe this could actually work? Maybe we should let all of SF’s sweet, meek 20-somethings live inside tiny plywood boxes inside other, larger apartments occupied by actual adults, and still overpay for...
View ArticleBudweiser is now “America” – King of undrinkable swill
Grab a six pack of America! America, tasting great and taking names! Enjoy a refreshing can of America and get to voting, you sad, miserable wretches of the United States who are stuck with six more...
View ArticleWhen fear wins: Brexit, the vicious cautionary tale
This is what happens when you enflame and provoke to the point of vicious irrationality. This is what happens when you make vague and heartless, crass, openly racist, fear-based, hyper-jingoistic...
View ArticleDear Trump voter: Your new president despises you
Oh, he very much does. You are the same “loser” working-class invisibles he’s exploited and subjugated his entire business career. You are the same disposable cogs he’s mocked and derided since his...
View ArticleTrump’s ‘buy American’ edict is unbearably dumb
You are reading this, we can safely assume, on a device built somewhere in China, with various components sourced from all over the world – lithium and copper from Chile, silicon from Brazil, circuit...
View ArticleAll the ways Republicans want you dead
Was it Trump signing a law – in secret, away from the media – revoking an Obama-era rule that prevented the mentally ill from buying guns? How about the appointment of Scott Pruitt to ruthlessly gut...
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